Feedback can also be a habit
Build it through active listening, empathy and solid communication
Welcome to another edition of ProductiveGrowth 🌱, weekly stories about productivity, leadership, motivation, and anything else that helps us and our teams grow and be more productive. Plus, industry news on the companies, products, and services that allow us to work less and do more.
TL;DR
Happy Sunday!
I’ve managed hundreds of people throughout my career, and I’ve never seen anyone being completely comfortable when having tough conversations. It’s logical, hard conversations are uncomfortable, especially in the workplace. But, being on a team without trust and effective communication makes it enormously worse.
Most of the time, people tend to underestimate the value of feedback. When it’s well-intended, said properly, and with examples, the improvement is exponential.
Read until the end to find a real-life example of how giving feedback can go poorly or excellent.
Best,
Steve.
Have feedback? Let us know at hello@productivegrowth.com
First time reading? Sign up here.
DISCOVER
If your team’s communication is a mix of mail, chat apps, documents and management software, ditch them all: Podio is here to save you. With a user-friendly design that allows you to personalize it as much as you want, it feels more like a social network than an online hub. Read this review to learn more.
EDITOR’S PICKS
🗣️ Make feedback one of your core values
Feedback ≠ HR! An important part of a healthy workplace culture comes from honest and constructive feedback, but both managers and employees usually dread and reject it. Converting feedback into a habit instead of an empty requirement can turn it into a desirable practice, leading organizations to grow. One way to accomplish this comes from establishing a healthy environment with solid communication and the proper tools for it. According to Forbes, leaders can also build a culture of feedback for their whole organization by “explaining the why” and “educating on the how” of feedback.
🤔 No space for judgment when it comes to feedback
Providing feedback about the quality and quantity of someone’s work is one of the best ways to know what’s working inside your organization and what needs to change. However, instead of being an exchange of useful information, feedback often looks closer to a performance appraisal. While culture has made us think these are one and the same, the latter is closer to an evaluation and further from purposeful communication. On the contrary, constructive feedback has enough information about improvement points and the motivation needed to achieve them. Being able to tell them apart and change the way we relate to feedback can be a game-changer, and that’s where this article from SHRM comes in handy. Check it out!
This Greek quote might sound cheesy, but it applies particularly to feedback: if we want to get the best out of any sort of observation made about our work or development, the most important aspect is to listen. Even though this article is focused on social conversational skills, there’s a lot of useful information that can be transferred to the workplace, especially in those moments where we are receiving feedback. Strategies like taking notes, listening and repeating back our interpretation, asking questions and observing the non-verbal communication of the speaker are some of the keys that I found most useful and can become essential improvement opportunities.
🤝 Feedback can be horizontal, too
And, when it comes to confronting a fellow leader, it can be even harder than having a tough conversation with a direct report, no matter the direction of the hierarchy. This piece from The Black Swan Group gives three central tips to keep these conversations as productive and constructive as possible while avoiding uncomfortable responses. My favorite is the CAVIAAR acronym which can be used to guide us through difficult conversations: Curiosity, Acceptance, Venting, Identifying, Accusation Audit and Remember.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
How my boss changed my life by promoting EQ in the workplace - And steps you can take to encourage it.
It’s rare to find managers that genuinely care about your mental health. In this article, Productive Growth’s Andrea Hernandez shares a beautiful story about how her boss helped her recover from a dark moment of her life just by caring and paying enough attention. Read it here.
1 Quote
“Improvement begins with I.” - Arnold H. Glasow
1 Question
What kind of feedback has been beneficial to receive and how would you apply it to others?
How to approach difficult conversations with your manager. (Pt 1.)
Giving feedback. With a real-life dialogue to help guide the conversation.
This post is part of a series. I will be adding more templates throughout the year. If you don’t want to miss them, subscribe here: www.productivegrowth.substack.com
In this post, you’ll find:
Why do we all hate having tough conversations?
Why is it important to handle these situations properly?
A snap of the most uncomfortable conversation of my life.
What does a good “tough conversation” look like?
Why do we all hate having tough conversations?
It seems like everywhere we search, people are trying to communicate their thoughts with their managers but aren’t sure how to do it.
Health issues, promotions, career changes, workload, compensation, inadequate workplace behavior or harassment. These are topics no one feels comfortable discussing.
However, managing difficult conversations is a soft skill everyone should work on improving.
Whenever I’m about to have one of these conversations, I automatically feel uncomfortable. I start overthinking and coming up with an insane amount of possible scenarios that are nothing like real life. “How am I going to ask for *insert ‘totally normal request’ here*?”, “In exchange of what?”, “Who do I think I am?”. These kinds of questions always pop up in my mind.
And I’m sure I’m not the only one who worries about it. These conversations never include good news for the manager. No one likes to hear their employee has a condition that will jeopardize their health and the way they work. But you don’t need to enjoy having them; you just need to have them. Difficult conversations are difficult for everyone.
Why is it important to handle these situations properly?
Because managers can either empower you to become the best version of yourself or make you miserable.
A Gallup study shows the number one reason people quit their jobs is because of their manager. It states that “Employees join companies, but leave managers.” All of this leads to one thought: Managers need to be better.
But since the manager-direct report relationship is a two-way street, I want to share how a difficult conversation might look with real-life dialogues for both managers and reports.
A snap of the most uncomfortable conversation of my life.
I remember how this topic consumed all of my energy when I worked at Procter & Gamble. I was a junior HR Business Partner, and at only 22 years old, I had to give feedback to group managers and directors who had more than 20 years of experience. I had to teach others how to be better managers when I didn’t know how to be one myself.
I used to believe these managers thought I had no authority to be having those types of conversations, and at the time, I was convinced it was true. But it was part of my job description. I had to do it even though I hated it.
The first time I had to give tough feedback was in June 2018. My role served the Product Supply department, which was a historically difficult one to deal with. They were never happy with company policies, compensation, and directors. Also, they used to HATE HR and thought the only reason we existed was to say ‘no’ and ruin their lives. I didn’t have it easy.
When I was appointed to this role, the organization was also changing. The department had a new director, and all group managers had changed. This is when Clara showed up. She was transferred from the plant and appointed as group manager of the Customer Service team, taking over Julia, the previous group manager, for the last 13 years.
She was highly qualified and a great performer. But Clara lacked empathy, something Julia excelled at. The plant culture was completely different from general offices. She was used to giving orders and managing technicians who needed a type of management that was direct. That was not the case for General Offices.
When Clara was transferred, she kept acting the same way. Naturally, her 23 reports were not happy with her.
I used to have 1:1’s with most of the PS employees, and in almost every conversation I had, people complained about Clara. I always told them to give her this feedback, but they were all terrified to do it. I bit the bullet, and in my 1:1 with Clara, this happened:
Hi Clara! How are you? How is everything going with your team and your new role? (I was also terrified of her and was extremely nervous about the conversation)
Hi Camila! I’m so glad we’re having this conversation. I have many things in mind. Everything has been going great so far. I am getting to know my team and the role.
That’s great news! I bet it must be extremely overwhelming taking a new role while getting to know your team and the work.
Yes, it is! There are a lot of things happening at the same time.
Definitely. Have you been taking the time to get to know your team? (I knew beforehand she wasn’t)
Yes… Well, only with the managers, I haven’t had the time to meet up with admins. (This department was 15% managers and 75% admins.)
Are you planning on meeting with them? Historically they have been trend and opinion setters. Also, most of them have 10+ years of experience in the same role, so they can be super helpful in your onboarding process.
Did they tell you anything? Just tell me! (At this, she immediately jumped up.)
Nothing in particular (stuttering a bit, I continued) I’ve been told that you were not taking the time to get to know your team and that they felt neglected. Especially since they can help you understand the operation.
(She was furious) Who said that? Was it Jill? I saw you met with her earlier this week.
Who said it is not relevant, plus it was more than one person.
It is important! I should know which ones are starting this rumor. They are ganging up on me.
Clara, that’s not what's happening. I understand it’s uncomfortable, but I’m here to help.
No, you’re coming here with your secret agenda, when I know for a fact that they are not happy with me because they miss Julia.
That might be true, but that’s not the only reason. I can be the eyes and ears of your organization. Allow me to help you become a better leader. We all have areas of opportunity. Let's work on yours together.
(She lowered her voice) Okay, it’s been a tough week, and since we are giving feedback, be upfront next time. I don’t like to feel you know things I don’t.
I won’t. Please do not retaliate with your team.
Okay.
This was one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life, and it gets worse. In my 1:1 with her manager, I told him she was not being perceived well, that I had already told her, and we should both focus on helping her.
He did not handle the situation well and told Clara everything I said. She was furious.
I made many mistakes:
I didn’t take the time to build rapport with Clara before I started pointing out things she was doing wrong
I was so uncomfortable about having the conversation that I was not upfront and made her feel as if I was hiding something, and didn’t share all of the feedback
I did not define an action plan with her manager and he acted the way he thought was best.
She also made many mistakes:
Accused me of lying
Asked who complained
Did not manage her temper
After our meeting, she started asking every single employee what they thought of her.
I’ve come a long way since that terrible conversation. I learned a lot from it and a lot more from working in HR. Read the things I learned from giving constant feedback here.
What does a good “tough conversation” look like?
As I mentioned in the beginning, this will be a series of publications. Today, I want to take the chance to share how a follow-up conversation with Clara should've looked like.
GIVING FEEDBACK TO YOUR MANAGER/ANY OTHER EMPLOYEE
CL: Clara
CM: Camila
Take the rails of the conversation. If you asked someone for a 1:1 but didn't explain the reason beforehand, make sure you point it out at the beginning of your meeting. There are always 100 topics to talk about, so don't let the meeting's purpose drift away. Most people will ask, "What did you want to talk about?" at the beginning of the meeting. If they don't, here's is an easy way to do it:
CM: Hi Clara! I asked to meet because there's something I need to share with you.
CL: Camila, great. I also have other things in mind, some projects I think you could help me out with…
CM: Clara, sorry to interrupt. If you don't mind, I set this meeting because I needed to address a different topic. Can I share what I planned, and we can talk about it after, or maybe set another meeting later this week? This is something I really need to share with you.
CL: Oh, okay. Please, share.
State the problem and be clear about it (use examples). Make sure you are honest about what you're feeling. Usually, we are terrified to confront others because we've already decided in our minds that they'll react poorly. In reality, being vulnerable helps the other person be more empathetic.
CM: This is not easy for me to say. But I've been feeling uncomfortable byhow you treat me and your behavior in our last meeting. For example, when you raised your voice and asked for names when I shared feedback. It made me feel scared and disrespected. Also, asking who said something only leads to retaliation, and we have a strong policy against that.
CL: I am sorry I made you feel that way. I've been under a lot of stress lately, and I know I haven't been on my best behavior. That's no excuse. I want you to know it's not personal, and I do appreciate the feedback. When you say I make you uncomfortable by how I treat you, do you have any more examples?
CM: I guess I am generally scared to talk to you because of how you may react. For example, the other day, when I said I couldn't join in this week's Customer Service meeting, and you murmured, "I thought PS was your priority." I felt attacked by your comment, especially since I spend most of my time dedicated to your team. It is one of my priorities, but I also have other responsibilities.
CL: I am sorry it made you feel that way. I know you are working a lot for this department, and I appreciate it. I understand it was the wrong way to say it, but I do want you to be more present in those meetings, at least until you understand what my team does better.
CM: Thanks for explaining why it was so important for me to attend. I will attend at least twice a month, does that sound okay?
CL: It does.
Note: If your manager tends to react poorly in this type of scenario, press pause on the conversation. State that you are feeling uncomfortable and speak with a higher-level manager.
Ask for feedback: Since relationships depend on more than one person. Ask what you could do to improve; you may realize the other person did not perceive your intentions or actions as you thought.
CM: Since we are having this conversation, I want to know if you have any feedback for me. I would really like to hear it.
CL: Thanks for asking. I do. I want you to be clear when you give me feedback (like you did today). I understand you were probably scared to talk to me the last time, but I much rather have this kind of conversation. Also, I didn't like it when you told my manager what happened in our meeting. I felt attacked.
CM: You're completely right. I should have been more direct, and I should have left it between us. I will do that from now on. If I may add, I want to be clear that my intention will never be to jeopardize you or your career. I will always do what I think is best to fulfill my intention. In this case, I made a mistake; I apologize for that.
Commit to this behavior. This is the time when you confirm both of you have the intention of making the relationship better. This allows the conversation to happen again in case it’s needed.
CL: Thank you.
CM: Also, I would like us to commit. What happens if neither one changes our behavior? Are you okay with meeting again?
CL: I think we'll both improve. If not, we can meet again. It doesn't have to be this formal. We can chat for 10 minutes after a meeting. I am open to doing it.
CM: Great. Me too. Thank you for this conversation.
CL: Thank you for telling me.
If you want to be part of the second piece, send me your story to camila@productivegrowth.com, answering the following questions:
Have you ever told your manager about a health/mental health condition?
What did you do? How did it go?
What happened after that? What do you wish had happened?
What would you have done differently?
Name and SM profiles are optional. You can use a pseudonym.
Thanks for reading. I can't wait to write the second part together!
Best,
Camila.
What did you think of this issue?
🙌 Very Interesting - 👏 Interesting - 👌 Meh - 😴 Boring - Other
👋 This is a subscriber’s post! Make sure to participate in the comments, I’d love to 👂hear what you think.
TO CONTRIBUTE
Write a guest post, share your story, or recommend an article: reply to this email or submit here.
Have a piece of news, release, review, job, or event to submit: submit here.
Want to advertise or sponsor a post: inquire here.
Edited by: Lauren Maslen.
